What You Can Learn from the Similarities of Running a Marathon and Being a Party to a Contested Divorce.

I like to run.  I know how annoying that sounds, so please let me explain.  I like to run because it is one activity where I know that the more work I put into training and planning, the more I will get out of it (or the less painful it will be).  Going through a divorce is similar in that respect.  The purpose of this post is to explore some of the similarities between marathon running and divorce. 

Running a marathon without the proper training and support can cause long term physical damage.  Moving through a contested divorce without the proper support and tools can cause irreparable damage to your finances and familial relationships.  Before moving forward, I need to say that I understand that very few people actually choose to participate in a long, painful, contested divorce, while others happily sign up for races.  No statements made herein are intended to minimize how difficult a divorce or a long, or custody battle can be.

Running a marathon is physically and emotionally exhausting.

I ran my first marathon in 2011.  At mile 23, I started crying uncontrollably.  Why? I have no idea.  I was exhausted.  Worse than the exhaustion, however, was the frustration that I had run for so long, but I had another 3.2 miles to go.  I did not know what to expect, as I never ran a race that long before.  I questioned my physical ability, my mental capacity, and emotional strength for the last half of that race.  My second marathon was much easier for me not because I was in better shape, and I certainly was not any younger.  The second race was easier because I knew what to expect from my body and what tools I needed to push through the difficult parts.

Divorce is far more emotionally and physically draining because it affects what you hold closest to you, your family.  When a person comes to see me for an initial consultation, they usually have spent months or years thinking about moving forward with a divorce, and it is often their very last resort.   Once someone decides to commence a legal action with the Court, the case can take years to finalize.  Attorneys and judges like to use acronyms and legal jargon.  And, though the legislature has been working extremely hard to address this, some of the laws and rules don't make sense in the real world.  Knowing what to expect from the process provides you with a tremendous amount of peace of mind, and gives you a competitive edge.  

Training for and running a marathon is time consuming and costly.

This year the cost of entry for the Twin Cities Marathon is $140.  The cost for entry for the New York City Marathon is $255 for U.S. Residents, and $347 for non-U.S. Residents.  Then, you add the costs of equipment, training, pre-marathon races, coaching, travel.  If I was a better runner, I'd try to break into this field as it appears to be much more lucrative.  It also takes a great deal of time.  It takes a long time (for someone like me) to run 20 miles.  Running a marathon is like having a part-time job. You will give up time with your friends and your families.  You may push large work projects aside (this is not recommended).  

Divorce is the same, except you cannot participate in it during nights, weekends, and non-business hours.  You will be required to take time off from work for meetings, hearings, mediations, evaluations.  You will spend your free time gathering copies of tax returns, bank statements, credit card statements, deeds, and reviewing documents your attorney has prepared on your behalf.

Divorce is also expensive.  Filing fees for divorce in Minnesota average around $400.00, depending upon the County. The filing fee for a Motion hearing is around $100.00.  Even the most affordable attorney's fees add up over time.  On top of that, Judges will require most parties to participate in a divorce education course prior to finalizing an agreement or to mediation or some other form of alternative dispute resolution if you cannot reach an agreement on your own.  If your case does not settle or goes to trial, you will have the added cost of depositions, expert reports, and evaluations.  The process can consume your time and your financial resources.

No one wins.

Okay, I should rephrase that slightly.  The title should read "Unless You Are Part of a Small Group of Elite's Runners, No One Wins a Marathon."  

"No one wins" is a proper title as it pertains to divorce.  When a family separates into two homes, your financial situation will change significantly.  The amount of time and access to your children will change significantly.  There is no getting around that.  In my experience as an attorney and family court clerk, many final decisions or agreements first and foremost focus on what is best for the minor children (if any). Once that is accomplished, the focus shifts to equitably dividing the parties' debts and assets.  Minnesota is an equitable division state - not a state where the "best" person wins.  By having that in mind, you can move beyond a "win / lose' mentality and possibly discover creative settlement options.

There are times when the aggressive approach is not always the best approach.

Family law is an area of the law where the reasonable party often comes out ahead.  Maybe not in the beginning, but I promise you that over time the more reasonable party can prevail.  This may take endurance.  Your attorney may ask you to take some steps to build your case prior to filing your petition or during the initial stages.  If your ex is accusing you of having a drug or alcohol problem, it may be wise to undergo a screening or chemical use assessment -regardless of whether the accusations have merit.  Your attorney may ask you to go to therapy, anger management, or parent coaching.  A neutral may recommend that you abstain from alcohol during your parenting time.  These seemingly extra steps take time, cost you money, and feel like an invasion of your privacy.  They may, however, help you get to your final destination / end goal, whatever that may be.

You do not start a marathon in a sprint because it is a long and arduous process.  I do not recommend starting a divorce in a similar fashion.  Why?  If you have children, you need to demonstrate to the Court, or the evaluators, or the mediator that you have the ability to co-parent with the other party once the dust settles. A lot of hurtful things are said during contested hearings and that can negatively affect your relationship with your ex and children.  It can also be expensive to jump straight into a temporary hearing.  While there are times when an aggressive approach is necessary, you must keep your long term goals in mind and consider how you may achieve those goals... even if it feels like there is no end in sight. 

So what tips, thoughts can you take away from this?

Make Sure You Have the Right Equipment for You.

No two people are alike; no two divorces are the same.

Most runners I know put a great deal of time and thought into what shoes they will buy for training and racing.  When I started running long distances, I took the time to go to a specialty store and work with someone who could recommend the right type of shoe for my stride, height, weight, feet, gait, etc. Shoes that suit me, may not be the right shoe for my sister, husband, or best friend.

Runners take tremendous care in choosing their shoes; you should take even more care in choosing your attorney, as you will work closely with this person for the next (possibly) several months.

How do you find the right attorney? Shop around.  Ask for attorney recommendations from individuals you know who have been through the family court process.  Your state and county bar associations may also be a good resources, as they often provide lawyer referral services.  In Hennepin County, there is the Hennepin County Lawyer Referral and Information Services (the link is here: HERE).  On a larger scale, the Minnesota State Bar Association has a lawyer directory (the link can be found here:  LINK).

Think of and use the initial consultation as a test drive.  Many running stores will allow you to take your shoes for a test run - that is the purpose of the initial consultation.  When you are at the initial consultation, ask questions and provide the attorney with ample information about you and your family (family roles, financial circumstances, property owned, debts, and nonmarital claims).  If the attorney asks you to complete a questionnaire or intake form prior to the meeting, do it.  The more information she or he has about you, the better the advice you will receive. Most importantly, if you meet with an attorney and you do not think that you are going to be a good fit - take the time to meet with someone else.  Most attorneys will offer consultations for free or at a reduced rate - take advantage of this opportunity.

Clearly Define your Goals.

A lot of runners will tell you that their primary goal is to finish the race.  While I agree this is true, you will also see runners constantly checking their watches, checking their pace, and making sure that they are meeting certain bench marks with their training.  The most successful runners set a goal for every single run they take.  This is the same with the divorce process.  You should work with your attorney throughout the process to discuss, set and possibly reassess your goals. 

Work with your attorney to clearly define your goals.

Your goals may change depending upon whether you are in mediation or you are attending a contested hearing.  Your goals may change drastically from the day of your initial consultation to the day of the Pretrial Conference.  By defining your goals and working with your attorney to determine what goals are realistically attainable, you will know that you are making progress towards a final result and you and your attorney are on the same page throughout the process.

Seek the Assistance of an Expert (in addition to your attorney).

There is an entire world of resources available for runners - the same is true for those in a contested divorce.

You don't have to go at it alone.

 It is difficult to find a marathon these days that doesn't have water stations every few miles and medical staff available for emergencies. People work with coaches who can advise them on their form and help them with a training plan.  People join running clubs so they have the support of other people with similar goals.

You and your attorney are a team.  That does not mean, however, that you cannot seek the assistance of others to help you with your case.  A therapist can provide you with emotional support.  Co-parenting coaches are available to help you and your ex communicate effectively about issues pertaining to your children, during and after divorce.  A skilled financial planner can help you manage your budget during separation and rebuild your assets after dissolution.  Financial Experts can help you trace nonmarital assets and craft financial proposals - usually more effectively than your attorney.  You do not have to go at this alone, and it may not be in your bests interests to do so.

Prepare for the Big Day.

Runners train and follow training plans crafted to their own individual needs.  You should be working with your attorney to ensure that you are prepared before every hearing and mediation. 

That includes providing financial documentation to your attorney within the time period they request and meeting with them to prepare for whatever is in front of you. The more you know about what to expect in mediation or during an Early Neutral Evaluation, the more comfortable you will feel and the more you can get out of the process.  Judges, evaluators and mediators notice when you are prepared and that can go a long way. They also appreciate it when your attorney is prepared; so please help them do their job.  

As silly as this sounds, preparation means more than just knowing your facts and numbers.  If you are going into an all-day mediation, a court hearing, or trial, make sure that you are hydrated.  Do what you can to get some rest the night (or two nights) before and properly fuel your body.  If water and snacks are not available, bring your own.  I promise that this is one simple thing you can do that you will not regret.

Try Not to Compare Yourself to Others.

I am a naturally competitive person.  The other day during a particularly balmy and painful run with a friend, I made a comment about how slow we were going and took it upon myself to point out every runner who seemed to be going faster than us.  He told me not to compare myself to others....advice that I need to take to heart in every aspect of my life.

As I stated above, no two people are alike.  There is no way for me as an individual to know how often those other runners run during the week, what their diets are, how much they work, sleep, etc.  It is not fair for me to compare myself to others when I don't know the full story.  The same is true of divorce.  I often hear clients tell me that they know someone who knows someone who got a WAY better deal in their divorce.  They didn't have to pay spousal maintenance..... he or she got more child support than I'm getting......  So and so’s brother's cousin got custody of their kids - and he's a felon!

Without knowing all of the facts of the case, the law that applies in their jurisdiction, and the Judge who issued the order, you cannot compare yourself, your family, or your case to anyone else.  Your case has unique facts and circumstances.

Above all, remember that your physical and mental health is important.

Whether you are running a marathon, or have found yourself in the midst of a legal battle, exercise self-care and love.  If that is difficult to do, seek out the assistance of someone who can help you. 

This list is not exhaustive and the more I type, the more similarities come to mind. Runners. attorneys, professionals, and people who have been through this process, I would love to hear your thoughts in the comments below. 

Sonja Nyberg is a family law attorney at Metzger & Nyberg, LLC.  Sonja has practiced solely in the area of family law since graduating from law school in 2010.  She has run the Twin Cities and New York City marathons and hopes to complete another to accomplish her ultimate goal of beating Oprah Winfrey's 1994 PR.

DISCLAIMER.  This blog post is not intended to pertain to all runners or all parties to a contested divorce.  Yes, I know many of you who have run a full marathon with little to no training, but you are the exception to the rule.  This blog post has been made available for educational purposes only as well as to give you general information and a general understanding of the legal process in Minnesota; the purpose of this post is not to provide legal advice.